Getting Ready for the Tour!

The Tour de France is the greatest international sporting event, and this year I will be riding my own Tour de Northwest Ohio and charting my progress on this blog. I'll be riding one-quarter of the distance that the actual tour riders are riding. I am getting started a few days late and may have to miss a day here and there, but the plan is to ride all 21 stages. I will do my best to duplicate key features of each stage here in NW Ohio.

I'll be riding in the orange of Team Euskadi Euskatel and representing my home region - the Basque Country of Spain. Unfortunately, the team was disbanded in 2013 - so I'll be on my own when the attacks begin.

Being from NW Ohio, mountains are my speciality. I be aiming for a stage win in front of my compatriots in the Pyrennees and good showing in the King of the Mountains competition. I am not much of a time trialer - so a top 20 finish on GC would a bonus. I'll just try to keep out of the way of the sprinters on the flat stages.

As you can see I am fully prepared with protein shakes, power bars, and potassium. I have also stocked up on Human Growth Hormone, anabolic steriods, and testosterone. The container with the blue lid has oxygen rich blood from my training earlier this season in the Peruvian mountains (that was a challenge to get through customs!). I am saving that for a special pick-me-up during the crucial mountain stages.

The journey begins today in the jolly old England with 30 mile flat stage.

Stage 1 Southfork and the Trail 47 km

How does one replicate England in NW Ohio? Well, we certainly have one thing in common - a parasitic class of wealthy elites who live in taxpayer-funded mansions. Here is a photo from the start of the real tour in Leeds:

Here is a photo of our very own royal mansion - not so affectionately known as Southfork, both for its resemblance to the fictional television ranch and the lack of moral compass characteristic of its recent inhabitants:

Although it was still early in my Tour, I decided that it would be the perfect location for a nature break.

It was a bit of a rough start for my tour, as I had to fight a strong south wind on the way to North Baltimore, but unlike the Manx Missile, Mark Cavendish. I made it through Stage 1 safely.

Stage 2 A Shout out to Scotland! 49 km

Before leaving England, I wanted to give a shout out to my brothers and sisters in Scotand who will finally have the chance to escape over 300 years of English oppression this September. Here I am riding with the cross of St. Andrew's:

Very tough stage. Rode into a stiff headwind from west with no peleton to protect me. Also, the first categorized climbs of the Tour on Beaver Creek Hill - a Category 3 climb going west, Category 4 heading east.

Across the pond, Vincenzo Nibali won a hilly stage and earned the yellow jersey; however, he was rebuffed by the podium girl when he leaned in for his customary victory kiss. The English are nearly as uncivilized as Americans. Everyone will be happy when the Tour gets to the Continent.

Stage 3 London 40km

Duplicating London was easy. BG is truly the London of Ohio. We have our own Big Ben:

We also have a building where corrupt elites make terrible decisions in the name of austerity - McFall Hall. As I rode by, I had a little Guy Fawkes fantasy moment. Remember, remember the 5th of November ...

Mercifully, this was the first easy stage of my tour. The winds were light for the ride to Pemberville and back. The real tour was also uneventful except for the sprint at the end.

Stage 4 France! 39 km

The Tour has finally arrived in France where people know how to live well:

It was very easy to replicate a flat stage through the French countryside in NW Ohio.

My tour included the little villages of Tontoganaille and Le Haskin. An easy day with light wins. The race in France was similarly uneventful, but I suspect that will change tomorrow.

Stage 5 Le pavé 38km

Cobblestones! The most diabolical surface imaginable for a race on road bikes! Throw in some rain, and you get pure misery.

Though it didn't rain in NW Ohio. The cobbles were still agony!

You might notice that I am not wearing the team colors today. Euskadi only supplied two team jerseys, and French labor law requires me to provide two days of paid vacation to my femme de blanchisserie for every day that she works. Anyway, I survived the cobblestones, which is more than can be said for the defending champion of the Tour, Chris Froome, who dropped out of the race after crashing for the second consecutive day.

Stage 6 La rue de Steen et Weston 53 km

Lot's of similarities between Stage 6 in France and Stage 6 in NW Ohio. Both had a little rain and a lot of history. The Tour de France traversed many World War I battlefields:

I dedicated my ride to the victims of the great Ohio-Michigan Boundary War of 1835-36:

This long stage was made even longer by an unexpected detour:

The highlight of the day was the lovely village of Weston - home to the only Michelin 5 star restaurant in NW Ohio, Redneck Willy's. Oh how I wanted to stop here for a gourmet meal and some fine wine, but the Tour stops for no one.

Stage 7 La Ville de Bois 60k

The longest stage of the Tour thus far. I followed the north branch of Rivere Portage to the bustling town of Ville de Bois - home to the world famous cabaret, Jo Jo's Nite Club, and lots of trucks:

Hot ... humid ... headwinds on the homestretch. Overall, a Hellish day to be holding the handlebars. At least I didn't have to listen to the sound of helicopters like the riders in France.

Stage 8 The Return of an Old Friend 39 km

Stage 8 was a flat stage that concluded with three quick climbs. I could only find two in BG: La Colline Donbar, a Category 4 ascent, and Les Erables, a Category 5 ascent, with a false summit:

After yesterday's misery, we received some welcome relief in the form of an old friend. The Polar Vortex, which contributed to the glorious winter of 2013-14, brought cool and dry air to NW Ohio for Stage 8.

Great day to ride, but I am a little concerned about one of the side effects of the HGH!

Stage 9 The First Real Climb 40km

Another glorious day to ride and, finally, a few good climbs. First, Le Col de Castor, a Category 3 climb eerily reminiscence of Beaver Creek Hill back in England:

Next, the first Category 1 climb of the Tour de NW Ohio, Mont Hiver-Vert. I had never seen this particulary steep, though relatively short, ascent before. I charged up it like a champ and scored some big points in the King of the Mountains competition:

Very exciting race over in France. There is a new yellow jersey, Tony Gallopin from France, but the real story of the day was the long breakaway victory for Germany's Tony Martin. Germans have also been dominant in the sprint stages. It is nice to see Germans finally see some success in an international sport that people actually care about.

Stage 10 Le Poisson 42 km

More climbing today in the Tour de NW Ohio. A good warmup for the big mountain stages to come next week. The highlight of the day was the legendary climb up Le Poisson. The truth is that this is not a particularly difficult ascent - though it does have quite the storied history. Who will ever forget the classic tour of 1911 when Wayne Pember pulled away from "Luckey" Rudolph Haskins on Le Poisson only to blow a tire on the descent and lose the race? Here is a picture of the famed post marking the beginning of the ascent:

More crashes in France. Two-time champ Alberto Contador broke his leg in a crash and continued to ride for several kilometers before abandoning the race, and Vincenzo Nibali is back in the yellow jersey.

The Tour is not just about bicycle racing, it is also a chance to explore some local culture. Here is some road art that I encountered today. Is it a penis with butterfly wings and snails living in the testicles? 

Stage 11 Le Feu! 47km

Last night I dreamed that I was wearing the yellow jersey!

Alas, it was only a dream. This did happen last night along the Tour's route in the town of Baltimore du Nord:

Was someone trying to sabotage the Tour? Perhaps my evil twin?

Fortunately, the fire was extinguished, and there were no casualties except for lot of burned pallets, but an onlooker in town told me that the police believe the fire was "suspicious."

Stage 12 Put your make-up on, fix your hair up pretty 43km

and meet me tonight in Jerry City

Yes, today the Tour rolled through the thriving metropolis of Jerry City and its sister city, Cygnet, where we once watched the cinematic masterpiece, Grizzly Park in this very bistro.

The crowds have been great for this year's Tour. To all of my fans out there, thank you for your support.

Stage 13 Into the Alps 45km

The first of two days in the Alpine city of Tontaganaille. The air is thin at this altitude.

A day of climbing and the harrowing descent down the steep side of the Tour's most famous mountain - Alpe du Tontoganaille. I reached speeds of over 40 kph.

Great fans! Especially Bananaman!

Meanwhile in France, "the shark" Nibali proved dominant - winning his 3rd stage and extending his lead in the GC to over 4 minutes.